Today I typed you out a message. I really wanted to send it but I couldn’t. I finally got the courage to take down all the photos of us I still had pinned up randomly in my room. I moved the necklace your mom had got me into somewhere that I don’t have to look at it. It will be 1 year later tomorrow and its funny how much has changed in a year. All I thought about today was you…
Aww thank you :)
Oh goody my Endo is back! -.- This means for the next 5-7days I get to experience severe pain and mood swings. Today was supposed to be a good day. Grab coffee with a friend and then go to rehearsal. Today went like this, Coffee got canceled because he had to go to a voice lesson. After I finished my Spanish Final I saw the person I probably hate most in the world right now which put me in a bad mood even more. At rehearsal I felt left out because my “best friend” was ignoring me and then they made plans to hang out afterwords which I couldn’t hang out due to the fact of my endometreosis acting back up. I really just feel like curling up and crying in my bed. Excuse the depressing posts that will probably follow this one. Anyways today sucked and I am hoping tomorrow will be slightly better given the fact I get to just relax except for working 11-4.
Day 1-May 24th: I spent the first night of summer up in the mountains. Me and two of my best friends went driving and then we just parked on the side of the road and watched the stars. It was so relaxing and fun. We hid from other cars and laid down in the middle of the road just like in the movies. I laughed so hard I cried. It was one of my favorite nights and I can’t wait to have more nights like that one.
Day 2-May 25th:One of the most memorable nights I will have in my life. I took a step I had always feared and it turned out to not be that scary. (Sorry for being vague here but there are several people that follow my blog from my High School that I don’t need knowing what I did. If you really want to know message me.) I will never forget this night and I am glad it happened with the person it did.
Day 3-May 26th: This day was filled with Graduation parties. I went to about 5 of them. It was a long day of eating cake and saying hi. I am gonna miss all of my friends but congratulations to the class of 2012.
Day 4-May 27th: I worked for most of the day and then ended it with more cake and parties. I went to one party that I was extremely scared and worried about. I had been really close the guy and we had dated for about a month before breaking it off. When I went to the party he was sharing with another friend of mine it was ok. I went up to hug him and congratulate him and he gave me the awkward side hug but the other friend I didn’t know as well picked me up off the ground and gave me a huge hug. It made me realize how much breaking up can really ruin a good friendship.
Day 5-May 28th: It was a pretty uneventful day of tanning and just hanging out with a friend. I love her but I wish me and her were closer. Oh well we are on teh right track now that we are hanging out again.
Well there are the first 5days of my 94days of summer. I would have to say this summer is already off to a great start and I can’t wait for it to continue to get better.
I feel like I am spinning out of control. Suddenly I feel at loss of everything I no longer care. I am not saying that I am giving up on life because I love living; I am just saying I no longer care about what my future is or what may happen. Something is wrong with me, I am never happy or sad anymore I am just numb. I am ditching classes and seperating myself from friends. What happened to me? I used to be so bright and cheery and always laughing. Lately I feel like such a fuck up that why should I laugh. I can’t do anything right with my life anymore. I am either eating to much food or not working out enough. I cant look in the mirror without wanting to cry. I dont ever wake up and think “wow I actually look cute today”. No wonder no boy wants me or even likes me I am messed up. I sit here and think about the fact that I could change the way I look. I could go back on my diets and start working out and make myself into the perfect girl. But I am to much of a chicken shit to actually do it. I know this has been random and probably didn’t make sense. Hell I bet most people don’t even actually read this. I think I need some support. I think the 94days of summer will also be 94days of transforming Becka into something beautiful.
I know I don’t have that many followers but I wanted to advise everyone that I am going to be changing my blog. As I have gotten older I have decided I need to start keep track of the good and bad in my life. I am starting a 94days of Summer project starting on the 24th of May. So to all my followers please keep following because its going to be an interesting summer :)
Love-Becka Elise
